Over 3 weeks. Now I am seeing where my patterns are.
I have given up a lot of things (no grain/sugar/gluten vegan plan) and feel a-okay about the idea of giving most things up permanently (i.e. sugars, artificial sweeteners, gluten, diet coke, meat), but I still stress eat. And what do I eat when I stress eat? Plaintain chips, haha. I found some at HEB near the organic items that are roasted with only 15 mg of sodium, 0 sugar/cholesterol/trans fat, 8g fat, 19g carbs. They are great. 11 servings a bag. Tonight, I ate in one sitting 4/5ths of the bag. I feel stuffed.
The day before Thanksgiving and I have been super good about the decision I made to boycott the holidays. I feel a bit mischievous, delightfully defiant and, when I was declaring my decision to a friend, she said that I was "cackling". I love the idea of not being around a lot of people and being free of the bombardment of food and trying to find an explanation for "why this" and "why that" and "why not this" and "why not that". I send love to my family, who I tend to feel obligated towards, and know that they will find me much better company and be much happier to chat with me when I've gotten closer to my goals. My plan is to duck out of the holiday gatherings until around Easter of 2020.
So, the reason why I binged on plantain chips? I was triggered. I decided to head to a yoga class after work. I was feeling good, snappy and schnazzy, even. Happy to set intentions for my day tomorrow and happy to give myself space for my yoga practice. But when I got to class 1 minute before the class officially started, I was met with a bit of an abrupt energy by the teacher who quickly asked for my name, signed me in and then threw some props on the floor. Before I walked into the studio, I asked for a mat (since I like to use an extra one) and he quickly said that they charge $2 for a rental...for whatever reason, it REALLY triggered me. I said very nicely, "I'm a member," which he should have understood meant that members do not rent mats. Of course, he did not check my membership. And, furthermore, he did not recall that I am SUBBING HIS CLASS in a few weeks.
I am actually not a fan of restorative yoga. The only ones I like are my friend Jonah's, who speaks like an angel and creates a beautiful soundscape. But I went to this class because I thought it would be good for me. This teacher's voice was abrupt, he talked A LOT and he gave me a rough adjustment before we went into our final resting pose. It happened because he forgot to "throw" me a second strap, so I had to get up in the middle of his instructions to go get one and I completely missed what he was asking us to do. It was funny that I placed my straps in the wrong area, but this teacher rushed over to me...started pulling on my straps and did not once "say" where they needed to go or ask my permission if he could touch me. He tugged on the straps putting strain on my knee injury and was abrupt in his speech. After I found my way into the correct position, I thought, "if this teacher is abrupt and bullying towards me again, I will leave."
I practice EFT (emotional freedom technique) and engage in "tapping", now, when I get angry, so I tapped a lot on my way home. The more I tapped, the angrier I got. I felt violated, rushed, unwelcome, judged and bullied. I also felt that he projected anxiety onto our class about the holiday. I was not feeling anxiety at all about Thanksgiving and I did not appreciate the assumption. There were positive aspects to this guy's class...like, it turns out that this pose that I needed an adjustment on, is something that is actually quite good for me...and I will incorporate it into my home practice and...he did some essential oil and reiki/healing touch and his work was sensitive, compassionate and respectful...he needs to trust in his presence and silence, this teacher.
I ended up going to HEB, buying this bag of plantain chips and eating almost the whole bag, plus a container/serving of seaweed and 1/3 of an avocado. There are certainly worse things I could binge on. Certainly. But it is interesting to see my patterns. I still stress eat. I still love salt and fat.
I'm trying to figure out if I should just take plantain chips off my list, buy plantains and make my own chips or go back to regimented meals at set times with or without the chips. I think probably get some, make my own and only make 1 serving (1/2 plantain or 1 plantain) at a time and go back to set meals/set times. I've also got to start using my juicer. I've been buying Suja Mighty Dozen and Lemon Love, but I think it's time to use the apples and lemons we have and to start looking at green juice recipes that I can tolerate making/consuming. Time to get in alignment with what the Reboot with Joe juicers are doing a bit more.
I'm still proud of myself. My photos from today are starting to show a difference from when I first started, especially from the back view. I am down a whole pant size, from 18/20 to a straight 16. Everything looks way better on and my XL stretchy tops are starting to become way too lose. Progress, still progress.